MOVIE REVIEW: Romasanta: The Werewolf Hunt
Director: Some Spanish Dude Whose Name Sounds Like A Shopping Mall Named After A Hong Kong Triad Leader.
Cast: Indie Actor, Ubiquitous Dumb Blonde with a Great Pair of Tits, Great Pair of Tits (they deserve to be treated as separate entities), Fat Guy, Old Skool Man of Science, Bearded Detective, Ugly Broad, Mute Kid, Yellow Bird.
I’ve always had a thing for independent movies, for while they lack the budget and big names for their Hollywood counterparts, they more than make up for it with character development, plot, and atmosphere. And Romasanta: The Werewolf Hunt, while foreign and independent, just wasn’t one of those gems.
The movie was based on a true account of a serial killer in some part of Europe in the 1850s, who killed people for their body fat, which he removed and later made into soap. Just goes to show that being fat will always be hazardous to your health, one way or another. So please hit the gym now and try to get slim and beautiful. Like me. I hate fat people. I’ll be damned if I ever get naked in bed with a fat fuck. Actually, I don’t hate fat people. They hate me. Because I can eat as many chocolates as I want and not look like 5 giant quoits encircling a tower. But I digress.
The story centres on Indie Actor (played by indie actor, Indie Actor), a soap merchant who lives in a small town with his wife (Ugly Broad), daughter (Mute Kid), and sister-in-law (Ubiquitous Dumb Blonde with a Great Pair of Tits). Tensions arise in the family as the town was plagued by wolves in the surrounding woods killing the townsfolk and the stirring chemistry between Indie Actor and Ubiquitous Dumb Blonde with a Great Pair of Tits (hereby known as UDBGPT).
As the bodies started piling, Indie Actor decided to move out of town with his family to greener pastures in the city, leaving UDBGPT behind until they have secured a proper job for her to earn her own upkeep in the city, which in actuality was part of Ugly Broad’s scheme to put an end to her sister lusting after her man.
Meanwhile, the local constabulary headed by Bearded Detective (Bearded Detective) suspected the wolves may not be the culprits as there was evidence pointing otherwise. So he roped in Old Skool Man of Science (Old Skool Man of Science) to help solve the case. Progress was slow until Fat Dude (Fat Dude) popped out of the trees, claiming Indie Actor was a werewolf and that he should be shot and brought to justice to end it all. Bearded Detective and Old Skool Man of Science, of course, did not believe a single word and thought he was crazy. Nevertheless, they figured he could have some useful information so they locked him up and prodded him with needles to make him talk.
Was Indie Actor truly a werewolf? Or was Fat Dude delusional from constantly watching the hypnotizing wave patterns his belly makes when he jiggles them about?
*Cue intro to Beethoven’s 5th Symphony*
I do not know because halfway through the movie I developed a massive stomachache and I had to leave the cinema hall to take a cab home and throw up my lunch that consisted of two chicken sandwiches from Rotiboy which are the only things I can afford to eat in KLCC before collapsing on my bed, looking like Michael Jackson after a particularly fun day at Neverland, pale and out of breath.
Not that it really mattered because the acting was so bad it completely took Keanu Reeves out of his current standing. The only commendable efforts came from Great Pair of Tits. Half peeking out of the tight, corset tied dress, they managed to look moody when the script commands it, and even sweat (!) and palpitate in the more thrilling parts of the story.
Do not expect any incredible CGI ala Van Helsing in this production. Instead, try to enjoy the goo and mucus special effects reminiscent of movies like The Thing and other movies made during the days when “camera tricks” was a valid term in the film industry.
Ratings: 3/5 stars. One for the old skool special effects, another for Great Pair of Tits’ impressive performance, and the third for fucks.
Favourite line from the movie: Only a whore will try to steal her sister’s man (or some shit like that, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention due to my bitching stomach).
Pros: Great Pair of Tits.
Cons: They were covered.
