How To Get That Celebrity Look

Hey there everyone! Today, I am going to teach all of you how to get that coveted celebrity look. That's right! You, too, can look like a STAR!

Here're a few basic steps towards acquiring the glamour of certain celebs:


ANGELINA JOLIE

You will need:
1. 1000 bees
2. 1 peanut butter jar

Instructions:
1. Cram 1000 bees into peanut butter jar.
3. Slowly open jar and quickly place lips at jar opening.
4. Wait until lips are sufficiently swollen.
5. Remove lips from jar.
6. Talk with a phoney British accent.


OPRAH WINFREY

You will need:
1. 1 laundry bag
2. 3 weeks' worth of laundry
3. 1 clip-on microphone
4. Mum's 1980s Corporate Whore Jacket.

Instructions:
1. Put on Mum's 1980s Corporate Whore Jacket.
2. Stuff laundry into laundry bag.
3. Stuff laundry bag under jacket.
4. Clip on microphone.
5. Talk shit. Especially regarding topics like "women issues".
NOTE: For maximum effect, bake self under the sun until skin is dark brown before attempting steps 1 - 5.


PRINCE CHARLES:

You will need:
1. 1000 bees
2. 1 peanut butter jar
3. 1 tart

Instructions:
1. Follow as per instructions for "ANGELINA JOLIE" except replace lips with nose.
2. Have scandalous affair with tart.


MICHAEL JACKSON

You will need:
1. 1 basin of acid.
2. 4 plastic mineral water bottles (preferably Evian)
3. 1 bottle of white face paint
4. 10 children (preferably from broken homes)

Instructions:
1. Douse face in acid.
2. Apply white face paint on face.
3. Melt plastic mineral water bottles.
4. Stick melted plastic mineral water bottles at random parts of the face. Nose is mandatory.
5. Preach to children about Love and Peace.
6. Fondle them.
NOTE: Ensure that plastic piece attached to nose will fall off and has to be reattached every 5 minutes. Also, walk around clutching your crotch and scream, "Ouw!" whenever nose-piece falls off.


VINTAGE MADONNA

You will need:
1. 2 party hats
2. 1 pair of tits

Instructions:
1. Cup party hats over tits.
2. Gyrate around suggestively and tell everyone to be vogue and groove to the music.



Remember, Cleo magazine doesn't have all the inside scoop to make you glitter in the skies above the rest of humanity.

*I* do.

Hello, welcome to Maxis. This is Yoke and my life is shit.

If there ever was any cold, hard proof that Darwin's Theory Of Evolution is fucked, THIS is IT. If there ever was proof that deep down inside, God is a bastard with a perverted sense of humour, THIS is IT. In fact, if there ever was proof that there is no God, THIS is IT.

I thought life would be peachy with my new temp job at the Maxis call centre, I mean, I've free internet connection, fun colleagues, a kick-ass supervisor, free internet connection, muted HBO, free internet connection, a taxi to take me home after work, free internet connection (look, I don't have internet connection at home, ok? so back off)...yeah, life would've been peachy...if it wasn't for that shit who sits near my terminal.

His name is...oh who the fuck gives a fucking shit what his name is...lets just call him Sor Hai* (that's Cantonese for "Stupid Cunt" for the less informed), you know, for convenience's sake. He's been fucking up my life since the 2nd day of work by unloading a mountain of shithole questions on my head every single goddamned day. He'll shoot all these questions at me and the moment I'm done answering one, he'll fire the other with rapid succession. It's seriously screwing up my internet time and it's stressing me out everytime I think of coming in to work. Fuck, even my libido has gone down. And everybody knows how long it has been since I last had some, so going by the natural order of things, I should be as horny as a 16 year old getting felt up for the first time. Right about now? I'm only 1 step short of signing up at a convent and becoming a nun. And it's all because of Sor Hai.

To better give you an idea, here's a list of questions he had asked (in no particular order because I can't decide which is the most moronic):

• What kind of house do you live in?
• Do you know that there're 5 different hotels in Sunway?
• Do you have hot water in your shower?
• Why didn't you go to Sunway College instead of IACT?
• Do you know the PentiumV is coming out soon?
• How much is your computer?
• (Upon answering that question) So where did you get the money from?
• Why did you take the night shift? You will miss out on all the evening programmes on TV! (like *GASP* holy shit! Missing my TV programmes!!! I'll never get laid now!!!)
• Where do you see yourself in 3 - 5 years' time?
• Are your Nike shoes real or fake?

To top it off, Sor Hai will also randomly churn out some useless information about himself, that I've no desire of knowing, and shove it up my nose. Below are some of the shit I've to endure, on a daily basis so help me God:

• My parents are now in China, you know.
• I used to have a dog then my mother gave it away.
• It takes me two hours to get to work because I live in Cheras.
• Actually, it only takes 30 minutes by car but because I've to take a bus and the bus goes around KL before coming to Sunway.
• I spent RM12 today for taxi because I miss the bus to work.
• It's hard for me to work the night shift but if I have to, I'll ask my mum to drive me home.
• I have two diplomas, one in Travel and the other in Tourism.
• My glasses are from Emporio Armani. They cost me RM500++
• I had two bowls of noodles, two drinks, and ice-cream for lunch.
• I rented an apartment before but I moved out after 2 days because there was no furniture.

And mind you, he tells me all these things without being prompted. He simply swings his chair around, stare at me with a freaky smile for a couple of minutes, then he'll start. The worse part is, he likes to repeat himself. You know how in those action movies where the good guys are trying to infiltrate the bad guys HQ and they stick a video repeating the same scene over and over into the CCTV so that the security guards won't be aware of their intrusion? Yeah well, my situation is almost similar to said repeating video, except that it features a babbling clown from the depths of Hell. Like where did he learn his conversation skills? Pusat Kiwanis?

Okay, perhaps Sor Hai has had a troubled childhood and his parents never hugged him nor bought him any Ding Dang chocolates from the Roti Man when he was still a whiny, snotty 3 year old; henceforth turning him into a socially inept adult who's never had a girlfriend and wanks to pictures of his highschool teacher. (NOTE: I'm just speculating here. About the Ding Dang chocolates that is.) Perhaps, if people would just give him some time and dare I say, a chance, he just might reveal himself to be an interesting character with a heart of gold.

Whatever. He IS annoying. Just two minutes into a conversation with him (actually, it's more like a monologue because it's all one-sided talking) and I'm quite ready to:

(a) Beat him up
(b) Beat him up
(c) Oh, I don't know, beat him up and kick him down the stairs

It would be quite alright if he just asks a couple of harmless questions or just make small talk by telling me a little about himself. But he doesn't. He'll just go on and on...and on and on...and ON and ON and ON AND ON AND ON AND ON until he's proven himself to be a fucking psychopath. Look buddy, point taken, you're a psychopath. Can you please stop now? Don't do this to me! Especially when I'm fucking sober!

It's almost like he's bloody trying to anally probe me with mind-bending questions and trivia. Thank fuck I'll only be here for another 3 weeks. Any longer than that and I'll be coughing out chunks of my innards due to stress.

Shit...I need more alcohol.




* name has been changed solely for my entertainment

miss, you wants pink corour?

There I was walking around the complex looking for a locker to put my bag when I realised there wasn't one. Everyone seemed to just dump their belongings around the place anyways so I figured it'd be safe for me to do so too.

So I said to myself, "Oh for fucks sakes Yoke, it's not like you've anything really valuable inside. Nobody wants your shit lah! Besides, have some faith in humanity. Not everyone's evil and out there to get you!"

well...THAT'S THE LAST FUCKING TIME I PLACE MY FAITH IN HUMANITY!

*mumble-mumble*

My phone was fucking stolen from my bag.

When I went to retrieve it 1.5 hours later...it was gone...GONE!!! All that remained of my beloved Samsung was the little green pouch with which I use to keep the phone in. The theif, however, left my wallet (which had only RM20 in it anyways) and my MP3 player intact. Strange. Well, not really, because they were somehow positioned underneath my underwear and I don't think anyone would want to touch those.

Amazingly, I wasn't angry nor worried nor upset. I just went like, "Oh well, phone's gone. It's not the first time. Will go to Sungai Wang later to get a another one and fix myself a new line."

So off I went after lunch to KLCC to see if I can terminate my line at the Maxis Centre there (because at that time, I wasn't aware that there's also a Maxis Centre at BB Plaza). Well, what do you know! It was CLOSED. The only people there were three old and withered security guards sitting at the reception desk eating kacang putih. I mean, how can a Maxis Centre located right smack in one of the busiest parts of town be closed on a day when the public is most likely to come in to settle their problems?

Oh well, so I headed off to Sungai Wang to get my phone. I was thinking of getting myself one of those fancy Nokias with built-in cameras and shit when I decided that perhaps it would be wiser to acquire something that won't make my heart bleed should someone steal it. I already have a digicam anyways. And at the rate I'm going, my phone should be stolen once every year...not long after the warranty expires. I walked up to one of the more respectable looking booths and here's what transpired:

phone dude: hallo miss! lei siong want teet mut yeh tin wah? (hello miss! what sort of phone are you looking for?)
me: er...peng yau leng ko zhong. (er...the cheap and nice ones.)
phone dude: meh budget? (what budget?)
me: RM200 - RM300
phone dude: *takes out a motorola stamped brick decorated with silver buttons* li ko ngam mou? (how about this one?)
me: tai lou, lei em mai ma? kum wat tat ke tin wah lei tou hor yi kai siu pei ngo yong! (brother, what the hell? how could you recommend such an ugly phone to me!)
phone dude: *laughs* li kor leh? (what about this one?) *takes out a little Panasonic phone*
me: li kor hou teet. kia chin ah? (this one's better. how much?)
phone dude: RM285
me: ok lah. zhau you li zhek. (ok lah. i'll take this one.)
phone dude: miss, zhong yau kei ta "corour". (miss, there're other colours.)
me: meh "corour"? (what colours?...NOTE: I don't know why I said "corour" along with him.)
phone dude: yau pink "corour"! (there's pink colour) *proceeds to shove little pink Panasonic phone at my face* you mou? you mou? (want ah? want ah?) *shoves little pink Panasonic phone closer and closer towards my face with every "you mou?"*
me: er...em you tak mou? (er...don't want can ah?)
phone dude: *looks at me with those forlorn eyes ala Alex Man in one of his soppy Canto-drama series roles* ok loh. (ok loh.)

And that's how I ended up with a Panasonic phone so tiny I swear if my fingers were any fatter I won't be able to use the keypad. Oh well, I started to love the cute little bugger after 12 hours of owning it. It's not sms friendly, which is a major setback for me but what the hell, it's cute. Slightly Ah Lian, but cute. At least it doesn't flash any jinjang lights when there are incoming calls like my Samsung.

Conversations With The Past

They screamed, "Use him! Don't feel bad about it, there's more where it came from. You're a fool not to spend all he can afford. You're a fool not to use him at all!"

But I will be a bigger fool if I should think that I can outwit a man who has been at it longer than I have.


He said, "You're talented, intelligent, witty, and smart. You've got so much inside you. Hell, you could take on the world if you wanted to. I know people like you. You can have anything you fancy and you can become whatever you desire to be. But you're lazy...perhaps uninspired. And that, my friend, is the tragedy. And it will consequently, be your downfall."

I was never talented nor intelligent nor witty nor smart. There was never anything outstanding about me. You were right about one thing though, you DO know people like me. Because people like me? They're everywhere. I was, at best, a pretender and I fooled everyone, including myself. And that, my friend, is the real tragedy.


He sidled up to my left and breathed, "God you're so hot and sexy. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on baby."

Too bad, you're ugly. And I'm not a "thing".


He sent me an sms saying, "How could you do this to me? You're such a slut!"

It's not my fault that you were foolish enough to want me. And try not to get overly drunk and push your date to some random stranger. I am a slut and I will abandon you without remorse.


You whispered in my ear, "I love you. I want to fuck you hard and good."

Yeah, but that's just the alcohol talking, isn't it? You never wanted me and you never will. Stop trying to make me believe I was anything special to you. Stop making excuses for the heartless way you treated me. Just...please...
My heart can no longer love you and it never should have in the first place.


His voice was cool and calm though his beautiful brown eyes glowed with the anger of a spliced atom, "I came back for you. I'm trying to get a job here and it's all for you. I wouldn't care to return if it wasn't for you. I cannot believe you'd go out with someone like that. He's a cheater, a liar, and he thinks women are favours he can buy. Birds of a feather, flock together. Are you like him? I would like to believe that you've never betrayed me. Have you?"

If only he knew how I will rise from my grave and smite down all who tries to break him, if only he knew how I will shield his body with my spirit and let none hurt him, if only he knew how I am willing to give all of myself to him...but words cannot replace emotions.

I tried to kiss him.

He turned away.

Je T'aime, Parce Que...

I love your eyes,
Because in them I see all the 7 wonders and the 3 hidden ones.

I love your nose,
Because it can smell the difference between Love and Deception.

I love your lips,
Because here is where I taste Heaven.

I love your hair,
Because it smells of rain and roses.

I love your neck,
Because I can feel your pulse and dance to the rhythm of your life.

I love your shoulders,
Because they seflessly carry the burdens of others.

I love your heart,
Because it shelters me when I'm hurt.

I love your body,
Because here is where I can touch you.

I love your legs,
Because with them you stand up for yourself and for the people you love.

I love your sex,
Because in you I taste God.

I love you,
Not for your face nor your physique,
But your intellect, heart, and soul.

I love you...
Just because.

Oh...Oh...look!!! I managed to put in links...LINKS!!! This is wonderful progress.

....

I can't believe I'm so happy about this. Coming from someone who works with Lingo and Action Script...I should be bloody ashamed of myself.

But I'm NOT! So fuck it all! FUCK IT ALL MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS. TODAY, WE SHALL SHOW THE WORLD THE MEANING OF LOVE AND PEACE.

I need to pee.

Aku Tak Celik I.T.

This is it. Screw it.

I can take my computer apart and put it back together without a hitch, I can rattle off the names and models of my computer hardware and peripherals the same way I rattle off obscenities at roadhogs, I can go shop for computer parts at Low Yatt and Imbi and NOT be cheated, I can reformat and partition my PC the old fashioned way with the startup disk and all, but I just can't figure out this blog template changing thing.

Well I'll be damned.

Oh well, fuck it. I'll just be mainstream.

Plus, I'm having a major headache from wearing this goddamned headset.